Monday, 12 November 2012

delicious ambiguity

Edinburgh, Scotland. So I turn 30 in 16 days. SIXTEEN days people ("eeeeeeek" is the sound this prospect invokes from me). To wave in this new decade in style, Jemily and her beau will be visiting for the festivities as will some of our friends from Aberdeen. It's all very exciting and very VERY scary. It also, may or may not be one of the main reasons I have not been writing much of late.

Oh, that and the fact that my ex, the one I thought I could've married, the one who sometimes when I'm feeling particularly blue I still dream of meeting up at some point in the future and us getting back together (girls, you know what I'm talking about), got engaged. Awesome. The wonderful gem that he is personally emailed me to let me know before the news got out on all the various social media forums. Big HUGE man points. For reals. We dated for 2.5 years and were best friends for a year before that, and a year after. There was no cheating, no anger. I We couldn't do long distance. He We never fought hard enough for our relationship. We broke up 6.5 years ago. I haven't seen him in 5 years. Last time I saw him I was a pathetic sobbing mess that he dropped off at the airport after a weekend where I had gone to get "closure". We talk twice a year on each of our birthdays. He has been in love with his now fiancĂ© (fiancĂ©e? I don't actually care...) for about 5 / 6 years.



I have dreamed of this day fairly often over the course of the last 6 years. More often than I would probably care to admit. And I guess I was a bit silly in my belief that I would be the first. The first to move on. To marry. To get my happy ever after. I surprised myself with how well I took it (considering it was at about 5:45am this morning, so I may just have been lacking coffee). I genuinely felt feel happy for the guy. For them. Yes, I thought it would be me. No, I am not mature enough to say I am glad it's not. Not yet anyway.

I am also currently happy and in love, with a great guy. But I guess a part of me really wanted that perfect ending. He will always be my first great love. Now please excuse me while I open a bottle of wine, and put this on. On repeat. Hello Adele, step in to my living room. Please stay a while.

yours in having a moment, x P



2 comments:

  1. The honesty in this post brought back a flood of feelings and memories. I always wanted to operate under the belief that every ex would secretly pine for me for all perpetuity. When reality hit, it sometime hurt and made me a little sad (no matter how "over" things I was). Trust me that your happily ever after is coming. Mine came in the form of a strapping fireman who likes to read and cook. Well worth the wait.

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  2. Thank you Marianne, you have NO idea just how much I needed to hear this.
    Of course they should pine for us... FOREVER! I think I am moving past the "woe is me" stage and feeling more like my old self. A fireman, you say, who cooks! - I am incredibly jealous! thank you, thank you, thank you. much love x P

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Jemily and Precious HEARTS procrastination... leave your words to read to keep us from productive tasks...work is for grown ups.

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